Figured I’d better write this one down before I forget it. So I am the queen of awkward experiences. I will admit it; I inadvertently bring most of them on myself. It’s been a strange masochistic phenomenon that has plagued me throughout my life while providing pleasant and entertaining memories for those in my company.
There is this jack-of-all-trades guy we have hired to do some things around the house. We’ll leave his name out of the story. He’s great- hard working, honest, really nice, good guy. He worked on our rain gutters when we first moved in and has done some other outside work. Probably early 40’s, single guy. So he was here on January 1st because we had some water leaking into the house somehow. He was working outside with Ricky to thaw out an area on the roof that had some ice built up and they were coming in through the garage, filling up buckets with hot water. I was cleaning up the kitchen with Veggie Delight in the sling, going about my merry duties. So wanting to make conversation, I turned to him and said, “Wow you must not have been out very late partying if you are here working this morning.”
Him: No, no I wasn’t. Even if I was, I don’t need much sleep. I only need about 4 or 5 hours.
By this time he and Ricky had paused because I was making conversation, so the three of us were just standing there.
The pivotal moment in the conversation occurred subsequently. What I meant to say next was, “Well if that’s all the sleep you need that’s ideal for having a baby,” as in we’ve had a baby since you saw us last, and I’m much lower on sleep than I used to be… or that would be convenient if you were a dad… and you could let your wife sleep through the night… etc. However, what I said instead was, “Well if that’s all the sleep you need, that’s ideal for baby making.” They both just looked at me and he, with a puzzled expression said… “Well I’ll…have to find someone… who wants to do that with me…”
Another awkward pause. He then politely said, “I don’t really know how to respond to that without being crass.” And I just sorta obliviously nodded my head and smiled playing along but clearly did not catch the drift.
They went back outside. I was a little perplexed. I don’t know how to respond to that without being crass?? What was he talking about? What’s crass about being up in the night taking care of a baby? Weird.
Then it hit me with tremendous force. THAT’S IDEAL FOR BABY MAKING. What was my problem?!? Stupid stupid stupid! Did that actually come out of my mouth? If you don’t need a lot of sleep that’ll really be to your advantage for “making babies”??
I was horrified. There I was in my bathrobe. The pervy house wife. Ricky came back in. psssst…. (rushing over to him and whispering) Did you hear what I just said to him?? “Baby making”???
Ricky: Yeah… (chuckling) I was wondering…
Me: I’ve got to tell him what I meant to say! I’ve got to rectify this!
And very seriously, voice low and sober, he turned to me and said, with urgency in his voice, “No. Let it go. You’ll dig yourself even deeper. You just get out of sight for the rest of the time that he’s here! You’ve just got to avoid him!”
So, in horror, I scurried back into my bedroom, closed the door, and sat quivering under my covers until he was gone- which was a good portion of the day I might add. Now I’m dreading the day he comes back to do something else around the house, and it’s a shame, I shouldn't dread it cuz I love that guy.
My greatest fear is that when he does come back, I will lose control of myself and try still to rectify this encounter, no matter how much time has passed. The words will just come spewing out of my mouth like a broken sewage pipe… something like, “Remember when you came on new years day 6 months ago…” yada yada yada and maybe he won’t remember it and then I will create another very awkward experience by holding onto this brief inconsequential exchange between us for so long... and then I will feel creepier than ever because he will think he's been really on my mind.
Guess I'll go now. Better get my rest and save my energy for when we wanna make another baby.
There is this jack-of-all-trades guy we have hired to do some things around the house. We’ll leave his name out of the story. He’s great- hard working, honest, really nice, good guy. He worked on our rain gutters when we first moved in and has done some other outside work. Probably early 40’s, single guy. So he was here on January 1st because we had some water leaking into the house somehow. He was working outside with Ricky to thaw out an area on the roof that had some ice built up and they were coming in through the garage, filling up buckets with hot water. I was cleaning up the kitchen with Veggie Delight in the sling, going about my merry duties. So wanting to make conversation, I turned to him and said, “Wow you must not have been out very late partying if you are here working this morning.”
Him: No, no I wasn’t. Even if I was, I don’t need much sleep. I only need about 4 or 5 hours.
By this time he and Ricky had paused because I was making conversation, so the three of us were just standing there.
The pivotal moment in the conversation occurred subsequently. What I meant to say next was, “Well if that’s all the sleep you need that’s ideal for having a baby,” as in we’ve had a baby since you saw us last, and I’m much lower on sleep than I used to be… or that would be convenient if you were a dad… and you could let your wife sleep through the night… etc. However, what I said instead was, “Well if that’s all the sleep you need, that’s ideal for baby making.” They both just looked at me and he, with a puzzled expression said… “Well I’ll…have to find someone… who wants to do that with me…”
Another awkward pause. He then politely said, “I don’t really know how to respond to that without being crass.” And I just sorta obliviously nodded my head and smiled playing along but clearly did not catch the drift.
They went back outside. I was a little perplexed. I don’t know how to respond to that without being crass?? What was he talking about? What’s crass about being up in the night taking care of a baby? Weird.
Then it hit me with tremendous force. THAT’S IDEAL FOR BABY MAKING. What was my problem?!? Stupid stupid stupid! Did that actually come out of my mouth? If you don’t need a lot of sleep that’ll really be to your advantage for “making babies”??
I was horrified. There I was in my bathrobe. The pervy house wife. Ricky came back in. psssst…. (rushing over to him and whispering) Did you hear what I just said to him?? “Baby making”???
Ricky: Yeah… (chuckling) I was wondering…
Me: I’ve got to tell him what I meant to say! I’ve got to rectify this!
And very seriously, voice low and sober, he turned to me and said, with urgency in his voice, “No. Let it go. You’ll dig yourself even deeper. You just get out of sight for the rest of the time that he’s here! You’ve just got to avoid him!”
So, in horror, I scurried back into my bedroom, closed the door, and sat quivering under my covers until he was gone- which was a good portion of the day I might add. Now I’m dreading the day he comes back to do something else around the house, and it’s a shame, I shouldn't dread it cuz I love that guy.
My greatest fear is that when he does come back, I will lose control of myself and try still to rectify this encounter, no matter how much time has passed. The words will just come spewing out of my mouth like a broken sewage pipe… something like, “Remember when you came on new years day 6 months ago…” yada yada yada and maybe he won’t remember it and then I will create another very awkward experience by holding onto this brief inconsequential exchange between us for so long... and then I will feel creepier than ever because he will think he's been really on my mind.
Guess I'll go now. Better get my rest and save my energy for when we wanna make another baby.
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